It started one dark, cold winter’s night. Well, it was night here in South Dakota anyway. Richard (Fawkes), Gerald (Linnaeus) and I had just finished a game of Through the Desert online in which Gerald had won by a pretty good margin – 81-69-68. Richard emailed us asking what we wanted to play next and suggested Samurai.
I replied, “I suppose that’s as good as anything to get my butt kicked in. I’m not kidding; I suck at Samurai. Go for it, tho. I can take it.” An honest answer, since I had never won a game that I can recall, mixed with the cheerful, accommodating personality I choose to display to the outside world.
Richard wrote back succinctly, “Bet I’m awfuller than you at Samurai.”
Now I’m not normally drawn to gambling; it just isn’t in my nature…but this had “sure thing” written all over it. The problem now was to determine the wager since it’s hard to collect when your opponent is half way around the world from you. Our only connection is through the internet…ahh, a thought! The loser of the bet, the one who won the game, would write a blog post. Brilliant!
When I sent my proposal to my adversaries, it was approved without hesitation, Gerald claiming he could be “plenty awfuller” and Richard steadfastly declaring he was “worse awfuller” than both of us.
The three of us, old online friends, often trash talk during a game but this time it was a bit unusual:
R: I am so much awfuller than the two of you.
Me: No, I am the mostest awfuller. My samurai warriors have dull swords.
G: Bah! My warriors are too poor to afford swords. They get by with itty-bitty sticks they find on the ground.
R: At least you have warriors. I’m stuck with American Idol rejects in Halloween costumes.
L: Oh, did I say warriors? My mistake, I took my lead from the wonderous Ms. Weisbeck and her glorious corps. I should have said flea-bitten handful of starving hobos who follow me around, hoping to curry enough favour to get a few of my week-old bread crumbs.
Me: Oh, what a load of imaginative horse turds! Suck it up and admit I’m worser than both of you!
Later in the game, with imminent superiority at stake:
Me: I don’t want to spoil your dreams of inferiority, Richard, but your samurais are looking pretty good.
R: Hey, even Taylor Hicks can sound good once in every hundred songs. This is far from over, my clearly superior rival!
Me: How dare you have the temerity to name me *superior*! ‘Tis a LIE, I say.
In the end, with the last rice paddy laid waste, Richard had the only majority and I had the least amount of pieces taken.
R: Ok, you two obviously left that move open on purpose. I call shenanigans, and demand a rematch!
A second game to determine the awfullest Samurai player was begun with the distinctive title of “Shenanigans in Japan” and subtitled, “Where Gerald and Mary conspire to lose.” Guess who set up the game?
In the second game, we all played equally well (or badly, as the case may be) because it couldn’t have been closer. Every piece was taken from the board, every player had a majority. The winner with 10 pieces total was….are you sure you want to know? It’s anticlimactic to say the least. Alright, then. It was a tie between Richard and myself with Gerald right on our tails with 9 total pieces.
It was then decided to play the worst 2 out of 3.
Of course, you may surmise that since I’m writing this, I was the eventual winner. You could be wrong, though, and I’m writing this just because it was a fun thing to write about…but then you would be wrong. I did win. In fact, I stomped the opposing warriors; puny, ill-equipped cowards that they are. Gerald and I each had a majority but I had 9 total pieces, Gerald had 6 and Richard 7.
In defense of my awfulness, I have only to say, “Gerald gave me the game! No fair! I demand a fair rematch!”